Hospital jokes

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Why did Joe Biden go to the hospital? Because he couldn't stop Putin.

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?

Tj: Good... you?

Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!

Tj: 😏.

Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!

Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?

Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.

Tj: NO!!!!!!

1 day later.

Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩‍👧‍👦

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

They both got a 10% survival rate...

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.

The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.