Hospital jokes

A 9-year-old girl lies on a hospital bed struggling to breathe as she waits for the doctor to come.

The doctor finally comes, and the little girl can breathe much easier after he pulls his cock out of her mouth.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

Sarcastic Doctor: Tell me.

Guy: I have leukemia in the brain.

Sarcastic Doctor: That doesn't concern me.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital." "Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Why is it cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

I need to go to the hospital because I'm getting shot by a PUN.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

Oh, it's still cancer.

What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?

No seriously, what is it?

Did you know about 9 months after a power outage 50% more babies are born because it is dark?

Someone walked into a cancer ward and asked for a skin fade.

My grandma unplugged the internet cable, so I unplugged her life support.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

So a woman walks into a magician's toy store and browses the collection. Among which was a black, phallic-looking object. She brings it to the counter and asks, "what's this?"

The cashier explains that it's a magical dildo that will listen to whatever you say, "fuck me in the ass," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the ass, "fuck me in the pussy," it'll float in the air and fuck you in the pussy, "faster," it'll go faster, "harder," it'll go harder. She bought this magical artifact and went home for a night of fun and pleasure.

After receiving several orgasms from the magical dildo, she'd had enough, and she told it to stop, but it didn't. The dildo continued to penetrate her, it would go harder and faster, but it refused to stop or slow down. In a panic, she ran over to her car and drove to the hospital to get it surgically removed. Her panic made her disregard the traffic rules, and she quickly found herself pulled over by a cop. As she pulled down her window, the cop leaned towards the door and asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going!?", the woman tried to explain the situation, she told the officer about the magical dildo stuck in her pussy, but the officer didn't believe her, "magical dildo, my ass" he said, and the lady drove home.

Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards?

DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion. After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma. After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?