Hospital jokes

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

Why did Joe Biden go to the hospital? Because he couldn't stop Putin.

Disabled man stands up.

Blind man: “You can stand?”

Deaf man: “You can see?”

Mute man: “You can hear?”

Disabled man: “You can talk?”

Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”

Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

Kid: I have the corona virus!

Nurse: Here is an ice pack.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?

Tj: Good... you?

Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!

Tj: 😏.

Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!

Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?

Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.

Tj: NO!!!!!!

1 day later.

Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩‍👧‍👦

I went to the mental hospital. I asked one of the kid what its favorite animal was. They said a bird. I asked for a reason. It's because they both jump off roofs.

Your friend lost his left arm, and after getting out of the hospital, you ask him if he’s OK. He says, "Yeah, I’m all RIGHT."

Man with cancer: How much time do I have left?

Doctor: Ten.

Man: Weeks? Months? Days?

Doctor: Nine, eight, seven...

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

A skeleton walks into the hospital and said: "Doctor, Doctor, I broke my leg!" The doctor said: "I see..."

What do a Make-A-Wish kid and mosquitoes have in common?

They both got a 10% survival rate...

Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Man: But I’m not dead yet.

Doctor: Are we there yet?

"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient.

"Give me the good news first," the patient said.

"Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live."

"That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"I've been trying to reach you for two days."

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

Why do hospitals have air conditioning?

To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.