Hospital jokes

Technoblade: Makes jokes about orphans while in hospital.

Doctors to Technoblade's dad: Sorry for your loss.

Technoblade: What do you mean?? I'm right here!!

Orphans found parents: Who's he talking to??

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Good news!

Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

Why did the doctor check out Earth?

He had a tummy quake.

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

When Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital, immediately the maternity ward was put on lockdown.

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

What’s the most common name for cancer patients?

Luke (leukemia)

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"

The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".

The man asks, "Ten what?"

Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

What is 6" long, bright red, and your wife cries when you feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because he had a sour stomach.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."