Hospital jokes
What time is it when a nurse's here?
It's nurse-thirty.
The only thing funnier than the shooting of that healthcare CEO is imagining the look on his wife's face when she got the hospital bill.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
What do you call a homosexual in a coma?
A fruit and a vegetable!
Robert Smith walks into a hospital. The nurse says, "We have the cure!"
...maybee
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave. Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work. Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
These aren't funny.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed, receiving medical treatment not that far after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit him. Jeremy told his best buddy this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb tall peaking mountains, and low flat valleys, and all after that we'll be happy forever in heaven, eventually." Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
So, Satan is in the delivery room having a child.
Soon, a feathered creature comes out. "Doctor," says Satan, "What is it?"
The doctor sighs. "Well, it's not a boy, and it's not a girl."
Satan looks frustrated. "THEN WHAT IS IT?!?!?"
The doctor looks up. "It's a goose."
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”
Where's the best place to spawn camp at the hospital?
The maternity ward.
Doctor: You don't have long to live. 10...
Patient: Ten what? Ten years, ten months?
Doctor: 9... 8... 7...