Hospital jokes

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."

I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

If I'm dying and you ask me what's my type, I will say Karl Jacobs. Then my monitor will start beeping and y'all will get dragged out screaming, "YOUR BLOOD TYPEEEE!"

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

What is the perfect job for a pedophile?

A physical doctor for kids.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave. Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work. Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because it felt crummy.

I went shopping, and then to the hospital, and then to bed, and then I promised to only say "and" once in a sentence.

My mom said I rely on my devices too much, so I unplugged her life support.

A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."

Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!