Horror Jokes

Why did the skeleton not listen to the rules?

He was "bone tiba wild."

A Story:

I lived in a small house. Behind my house was a big forest. If I went in the forest, then I heard scary sounds. That was very dreadful. I had a son. He was 9 years old. One day he went into the forest and did not come back. I called the police, but it couldn't help. I went looking. I really wanted my son Robby back. I missed him so! With a flashlight and compass, I went into the dark, eerie forest. Then the noises came again, but this time I also heard a scream. A scream from a nine year old child. It was Robby, certainly! I stopped in front of a tunnel.

Sequel follows...

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

What's worse than five babies stapled to one tree?

One baby stapled to five trees.

One morning, Peppy and George came downstairs for breakfast, but they got a plate of juicy bacon. Their dad had recently gone missing, so they ate it quite sadly.

The next morning, they went to school and asked their teacher, "What is bacon made out of?" The teacher replied, "Pigs, why?" Peppa and George looked horrified.

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

"What's worse than 10 dead babies stapled to a tree?"

"What?"

"1 dead baby stapled to 10 trees!"

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

What do you call vampire Matt Damon?

Bat Damon!

My grandpa's last words were, "Why is there a body in my kitchen?"

No witnesses.

Can I pin your corpse to a tree?

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Doesn't having depersonalization mean that you're like the animatronics off of FNAF/Five Nights at Freddy's?

(If you don't know what depersonalization is, look it up.)

Sans: What do you have there?

Frisk: A KNIFE!

Sans: NOO!!!

The walking dead.

What is a necrophile's least favorite game?

The Walking Dead.

What kind of shit does a ghost take every time? A spooky dookie!

Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

SCP-173 has breached containment. This is not a joke. Multiple Keter class SCPs have breached containment. This is an XK class event. Evacuate the Earth and solar system. The world is ending!

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.