Holiday jokes
What type of meat do priests eat on Good Friday? Nun.
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.
Rizz,
Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.
Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.
You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both let little kids sit on their lap.
Ever wondered why Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?
They made the toys.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
Q: Why was the depressed kid sad on Christmas?
A: They weren't hanging like the ornaments on a tree.
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.
How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.
How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.
What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"