Holiday

Holiday Jokes

Dad

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

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  • Kid

    What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

    A pair of gloves!

    Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

    Child

    Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

    Year

    What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

    It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

    Present

    What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...

    Michael Jackson

    What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

    They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.

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  • Breath

    Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.

    Note

    Note to self.

    When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".

    Google "cream pie recipes".

    Orphan

    What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

  • 4
  • Orphan

    If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.

    Wrist

    Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

    Santa

    So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

    Sally

    Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

    Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

    What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.

    Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.

    What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.

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  • Joe Biden

    What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?

    The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.

    Christmas

    If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

    Christmas

    When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."