You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.
It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!
Yo mama so stupid she threw a Mother's Day party at an orphanage.
What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?
It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.
What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)
If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.
So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
What first went through Sally's head when the Nazis came? A bullet.
Where did Sally go when the bomb exploded? Everywhere.
What did Sally get for Christmas? A bike.
What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?
The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
