Holiday jokes
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
There are 365 days in a year. Orphans have 363 because they don’t have a Mother’s or Father’s Day.
What did the Turkey say to the other Turkey?
"They forgot the stuffing!"
Son, why do I not have an Easter basket?
Mom, you're 23, you don't need one. Ends calls, child support.
Tis the season to be spooky.
I haven't seen sunlight in 3 years
Yo mama so fat that she was the float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Kermit the Frog!
Why can't orphans have a Christmas list? Because they can't give it to their parents to tell Santa.
I told my friend that we should dress up as P. Diddy and Drake for Halloween and ask parents if their kid wants to come over for a sleepover.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where the naughty girls live!
Who comes once a year and makes your kids cry?
Rapey Santa.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Joe Momma so fat when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, holy crap!"
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."
Why are Santa's balls so big?
Because he comes once a year.
"I can't wait for Thanksgiving!" said the turkey.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
What would an orphan ask for Christmas?
"A someone."
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.