Holiday jokes

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?

Friend: Why?

Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.

Why do orphans only have 354 days?

'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!

You look pretty today... April Fools!

Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.

Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.

During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.

He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.