Holiday jokes
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
Memes
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.