Why do a pedophile love Halloween?
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Holiday Jokes
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
You look pretty today... April Fools!
Why do orphans only have 354 days?
'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!
Why do orphans only have 363 days in a year?
Friend: Why?
Me: Because they don't have a mother or father's day.
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
What did the Turkey say to the other Turkey?
"They forgot the stuffing!"
Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite school event? Homecoming!
