Holiday jokes

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?

"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her on Halloween.

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

What do elephants drink on vacation?

Peanut coladas.

I’m going to be busy having dinner soon. I have internet for Christmas 🎄 and I have some Christmas.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

April Fool's Day: Go tell an orphan their parents are back.

Orphan: Where... Oh.