Holiday jokes
Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
Memes
My first christmas picture second one ima draw tommorw at school or tonight depends
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?