Holiday jokes
Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?
A: “Wrap” music.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her on Halloween.
To start off this Christmas season, I'ma make a list of what I want, then I'ma make plans with my family, then to start off my decorations, I'ma start with the first ornament and hang myself.
Memes
My first christmas picture second one ima draw tommorw at school or tonight depends
Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.