Holiday jokes

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like?

A: “Wrap” music.

I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.

Everyone, if I am not online, that is because I am on a vacation, so yeah.

Yo mama so ugly people dress up as her on Halloween.

What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?

They shellabrated their mommy.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Answer: cancer.

What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!

One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.

A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

Joe Mama so fat that when Santa came to our house he said, "Ho ho HOLY SHIT, she damn thick."

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

What did the blind man say on Christmas?

"I can feel your presents!"

What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?

When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.

What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,

"Please send me a sibling!"

Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"