Holiday jokes

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

What are the differences between Santa and Joe Biden?

The kids actually want to sit on Santa’s lap.

This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.

Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

What's the only thing Mexicans can unwrap on Christmas? Tamales.

What did your mom get for Christmas?

A big black horse dildo.

How many wives does Santa have?

Ho Ho Ho!

Tis the season to be spooky.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Leukemia.

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

What day is Labor Day?

It's the day mommies have their babies.

Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.

What do you call a mariachi band sinking in Mayonnaise?

Cinco De Mayo.

Englishman: We named our son George since he was born on Saint George's Day.

Irishman: We called our daughter Valentine since she was born on Valentine's Day.

Scotsman: We named our son Pancake because he was born on Pancake Day!

What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?

Klaustrophobic.

I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"

What did Santa Claus get Paris Hilton for Christmas?

He raped her.

What's the difference between family and cats...

Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.