Holiday jokes
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, they haven't got family.
What do moms want for Mother's Day? Replacement silverware.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
What time is it when your kids stay home from school? S'no time!
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Yo mama so stupid she threw a Mother's Day party at an orphanage.
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Terrier.
Terrier who?
Your Halloween decorations are terri-fying!
What do orphans get for Christmas?
Lonely.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
What’s the difference between Santa and an orphan? Nothing; they don’t have parents.
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year.
If an orphan tells you there's 365 days in a year, tell them for you it's only 363 days because you skip Father's Day and Mother's Day.