Holiday jokes

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?

It was only 3/5 full.

What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.

Stories like Rudolph and Wonder show that different means worse.

Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.

Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.

During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.

He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.

Where does a pencil go to vacation? Pennsylvania.

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

April Fool's Day: Go tell an orphan their parents are back.

Orphan: Where... Oh.

You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Home Alone."

I made an advent calendar for a Jehovah’s Witness.

Behind every door someone tells you to fuck off.

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...

Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...

I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...

When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.

Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.

Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.

What’s an orphan’s least favorite school event? Homecoming!

What did the Turkey say to the other Turkey?

"They forgot the stuffing!"