Holiday jokes
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
Memes
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite school event? Homecoming!
Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.
What did the Turkey say to the other Turkey?
"They forgot the stuffing!"
During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.
He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.
Where does a pencil go to vacation? Pennsylvania.
You look pretty today... April Fools!
Why do orphans only have 354 days?
'Cause they are missing Mothers and Fathers day!
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
You're so ugly, you have trick-or-treat on the phone!
I’m going to be busy having dinner soon. I have internet for Christmas 🎄 and I have some Christmas.