Holiday jokes
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"Please send me a sibling!"
Santa Claus wrote him back and said, "Okay, send me your mother!"
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.
He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.
Where does a pencil go to vacation? Pennsylvania.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite school event? Homecoming!
Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.
What did the Turkey say to the other Turkey?
"They forgot the stuffing!"
Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.
Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.