Hearing jokes
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Literally no one: Why can't you hear the pterodactyl?
Random person: I don't know.
No one: BECAUSE THEY ARE EXTINCT!
Random person: Ha, cool, I guess.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
When you realize you forgot to mop your room, you hear footsteps.
Don’t have phone sex without protection, you might get hearing aids!
Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.
It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.
“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”
“From my father,” said Johnny.
“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Want to hear a joke about a guy losing fingers?
Never mind, it’s too pointless.
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
Deaf people suck lots of dicks.
They can't hear!
Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
What do you call a dead polar bear?
Anything, they can't hear you!
My friends were worried that I was making suicide jokes so much, so I said, "Don't worry, you won't have to hear them much longer."
Perfect dinner joke.
Did you hear about the new movie, "Constipated?"
It hasn’t come out yet.
I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.