Hearing jokes

One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

What do you call a deaf animal?

Anything, it can't hear you.

Did you hear the score in the Egypt vs Ethiopia football game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

Two boys are talking on the bus.

Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?

Boy 1: Oh, that's right.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.

I gave a deaf kid air pods for his birthday.

Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?

"No."

Yeah, but then he woke up.

Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?

On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!

Did you hear about the dwarf that had his wallet stolen? Just how low can you get?

Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza?

It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before it's cool.

Did you hear about the cemetery? I heard that people are dying to be there.

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

Kid: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Why diddncjcjcbfjcbcjdbbskzmzj b b j no?

Me:?