Hearing jokes
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
Friend: Wanna hear a joke?
Other Friend: Sure.
Friend: Pussy.
Other Friend: I don't get it.
Friend: And you never will.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Did you hear about the gays that had a baby? It was a little shit
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."
Two boys are talking on the bus.
Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?
Boy 1: Oh, that's right.
Did you hear the score in the Egypt vs Ethiopia football game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn't.
When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
What did the female rapist say at her hearing?
"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"
I gave a deaf kid air pods for his birthday.
Did you hear about the new German microwave? It has ten seats in it.
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
Did you hear about the gay choirboy?
He choked on his first hymn.
Did you hear about the octopus who went emo? He sliced all 8 of his wrists.