Hearing jokes

Teacher: I was an orphan as a child.

Student: Sorry to hear.

Teacher: Is anyone missing today?

Student: Your parents.

Q: What is the worst thing to hear your surgeon say?

A: Oops, I dropped my lollipop!

Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?

He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.

Did you hear about the emo kid in a wheelchair? Exactly.

Did you hear about the fish and chips? The fish got battered, the chips got salted.

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?

You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.

If there's a guy without legs, he begins to hear boss music when a stack of shelves appear.

In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?

Did you hear about the nasty tuna fish?

He was rotten to the albacore.

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

So I stayed at home for Halloween when I suddenly hear a knock on my door. I open and I see Penandes! I was confused and asked him why he does not wear a costume, and he said he doesn't need to.

Then I realized that he's a ghost and gave him 3 candies. Enjoy the candies Pruno!

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

You can say what you want about deaf people...

Ernie and Burt were camping in the woods, when they woke up Burt asked Ernie "how did you sleep?" Ernie replied with "I slept amazing! I had a great dream that I was in a magic candy world and was sucking the most tastiest lollipop I'd ever tasted in my life."

Burt replied with "Good to hear, I slept amazing too. I had a dream that I was in heaven surrounded by angels, and one of them was giving me a blow job."

What does a deaf person do when they hear people scream? I don't know; it's not like they're gonna hear it anyway.

"SCOOT WANT TAXI!" Ok, maybe I do but can't make it there because yo mama is so fat he can't hear me on the other side.

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.