My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away; not logging onto servers using management or service accounts keeps SecOps people away.
I almost got run over by a car.
For the rest of the day I was taking the backseat as I was wheely tried.
The pilot goes "We're going down!"
The other pilot yells "Down like your syndrome?"
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
I went to a seafood shop.
I pulled a muscle.
Robert doesn’t see people, the man just sees meals.
The cancer patient asked the doctor how many more months he had to live. The doctor replied, "Tu-more."
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
What do you call a load of retards in a swimming pool?
Vegetable soup.
The sad thing is when they ride the scooters in Wal-Mart... Really, you declining to walk is what got your fat ass in that scooter to begin with... And damned if they aren't buying diet soda... Please... cull this shit... We don't need them in society... KFC is not a disease.
Why do pills work?
Because they are white.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What’s the most common name for cancer patients?
Luke (leukemia)
I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke."
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
What's the best part of not wearing a condom when I'm with my girlfriend? My mom went through menopause.
What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?
"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"
So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
