Health jokes
What's the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer.
How can you tell if a Polish woman is on the rag? One of her socks is missing!
What danger does this put them in? Toxic Sock Syndrome!
Yesterday, a 5-year-old dyslexic boy almost saved his mother from drowning, but he kept dialing 119...
What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?
Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.
For a while, lead was used in pencils, but... we realised that it might not have been the smartest idea because it lead (badoom ching) to some people getting lead poisoning.
Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...
I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.
Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.
If only Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich...
What do you call a person with no arms?
Armless.
What do you say to your partner with diabetes?
Hey, sugar!
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!
Fuck, my dad has cancer, lol.
Never drink tea in school... I give people tea if they've passed out... tea can be nice, but only have it once a day... It's not what you think... It's not tea, it's CPR.
What do you call an anorexic person with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
Q: Why did Billy drop his ice cream cone?
A: He has turrets.
Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.
The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!
Named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I can say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
How much do the bones in your body weigh?
A skele-ton!
My mom asked my doctor, "Why is my unvaccinated baby crying?"
The doctor replied, "He's going through a midlife crisis."
What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?
A baby you cut one off each time.