Health jokes

Have you seen the new movie Constipation?

You haven't?

That's because it hasn't come out yet.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.

The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.

What do a gynecologist and deaf people have in common? They both read lips.

I asked my doctor if it was normal for one of my nuts to be bigger than the other two.

So uh, I did this thing where I put soap on my brother's toothbrush, and then I put more on and colored it to make it look like toothpaste, and uh, he is constipated now. I AM EVIL :3

For all the people with Covid-19, I just want to say... Stay positive.

You look like a 2020 hologram of COVID-19.

Little Johnny and his dad were going to buy a horse.

Dad: Rubbing on the horse’s chest and butt.

Little Johnny: What are you doing?

Dad: Checking to see if the horse is healthy so I can buy it.

Little Johnny: Oh well, I think the mall man wants to buy mom.

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition.

In Alabama... How do you know your sister is having periods? Your dad's penis tastes like blood.

What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abort!

My mom told me to unplug all the electronics, so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

What did buttholes say after taking a dump?

Buttholes say what a good diarrhea dump.

During Covid, lockdown went on for so long that even the agoraphobics got cabin fever.

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

Why did the loo 🚽 roll roll down the stairs? To get to the bottom.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!

If you wanna get fat, what's the quickest way to do it?

Eat two jars of mayo each day, and in about a month, your scale will have your phone number!

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.