Have jokes
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?
They both like cracking open a cold one.
What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
No ballroom.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
What do Drake and math have in common? They’re both hard for kids.
Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.
I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.
My wife cheated on me with my brother.
She didn't have a sister, so I improvised, and now all I have to do is wait nine months for one to come.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have no balls, neither will you. 🔪🔪
Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.
Why do animals in polar regions have thick fur? Because they don't have a barber! 🤣 🤣 🤣
What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
What do a relationship and suicidal thought have in common? They’ll both end soon.