Have jokes
My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.
Why can't the USA and England play chess?
USA has no towers and England has no queen.
I made a website for orphans. Unfortunately, it doesn't have a homepage.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."
Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Why was the orphan's first phone an iPhone X? Because it didn't have a home button.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."
Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."
Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"
Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
I have no friends, but then I realize my true friends are anxiety and depression.