What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?
With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.
Three sons left home, went out into the world and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
'I built a big house for our mum,' said the first.
'I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur,' said the second.
And the third smiled and said, 'I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it.'
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
'The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house.'
To the second son she said, 'I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude.'
To the third son she wrote 'Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!'
Dont yall just hate when something FUNNY to you happens and then you just have to be quiet so you dont look like a villian ?
Did you know that if you die you can still be apart of family game night!! all you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass and the games that uses hour glasses well you will be apart of family game night.
Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere and you have to take special care of the good ones.
You have to do this and my sister said well I don't care and I said well you care enough to respond back oh my gosh.
The best thing about an orphan they donβt have to suffer from your mama jokes
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
you have to tell this to a friend- There are 30 cows in a field 20 ate(28) chickens how many didn't? A: 10
Ashes to ashes, Priests prever boys, cause they dont have to shave their asses.
When your at school and you have to wipe your ass but it only one ply... Your finger breaks through... mmm Finger lickin good
rape: the only crime where you have to tell the victim they couldnt do anything even if they could run or say something, then after are told rapists stop them doing something about it.
Yo mama why you have to jump in the pool as soon as I can find the water on Mario I mean Mario jump to Mars
If I fuck you harder you have to screen daddy,but what happens when you cum
A Doctor walks into his office and look his paitent in the eyes "Sir you have to stop Jerking off." The Man ask "Why?" The Doctor then says "Because im trying to examin you."
freands. yo whos your barber they mess up big time. me. your just jealous because my dad cuts my for free and you have to be paying 30 dollars' just for that short ass cut
What's worse than depression & suicide? Easy : LIVING Everyday you wish you were dead but than reality hits u in the face that your still alive and has to suffer living Pretend or not pretend we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no onw will notice :) no one ever does :) Living is the problem to everything we get depression cuz of it and so much why can't we just die :) ?
Doctor: Iβm going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because Iβm a family doctor.
One dark stormy night when i was 8 years old I woke up in the middle of the night busting to pee, half asleep i walked down the stairs and toward the bathroom and heard a strange whirring sound that sounded like a ghost. When I opened the door i felt a strange cool breeze and the light came on automatically and the ghostly sound stopped, terrified I did what I had to and went back to bed. The next 3 nights the same thing happened and finally i decided i had to tell my mom no matter how hard to believe it sounded. The next night I woke up I went into my parents room and woke my mom up and said, "you have to come with me and see this it's really important," Half asleep she murmured, "oh what is it can't it wait until the morning?' I pleaded, "no you have to come see, our bathroom is haunted by a ghost when I go in the middle of the night I can hear a ghost sound then when i open the door I feel the cold as it swoops through me and the light comes on automatically." She yawned and said, "oh so that's who's been peeing in the refrigerator."
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where saint Peter greets them hello sisters welcome to heaven before you enter I must ask you all a question he asks the first nun have you ever touched a penis well she said just once with the tip of my little finger ok dip it in the holy water and you can enter he repeats the question to the second nun well she says I might of held one once ok says st Peter wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter just then there's a commotion down the line one nun is trying to push in front of another st Peter says sister Susan there is no rush you will get in that's fine she replys but if I have to gargle that stuff I want to get in before sister Mary sticks her arse in it.
