Hand jokes
The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.
Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."
You're so small you went hand gliding on a Dorito!
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
I can't handle these puns...
But I can HAND you some puns!
Budum tiss!
What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?
"Hi-five!"
Helen Keller fell down a well. She screamed and screamed until she was blue in the hands.
What do you call a guy whose hand is up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
Yo mama is so nasty, she buys sex toys at the second-hand shop.
Chuck Norris catches Pokémon with his bare hands.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!