Grocery Jokes

It was Christmas time for Little Johnny. He was going to make some cookies and milk for Santa until he heard shaking and moaning from his mother's bedroom.

He thinks, "Meh, Dad's probably back from the grocery store."

But 2 seconds later, he heard a "Ho Ho Ho Oh YEAH!" and then a slap. He opens the door. He finds Santa riding on his 19-year-old mom. He asks, "Santa, when did you get here and WHAT are you doing?"

Santa replied, "Your mother asked for her 'milk jar' to be filled, and that's what I am doing."

Johnny says, "Oh. But, Mom, you told me Dad was here, well where is he?"

(Santa winks at you)

Milk makes you tall, right?

Well how did you get tall if your dad didn't come back with the milk?

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

What store is the most public?

Publix!

My dad went for the milk, but he left his wheelchair.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought Pillsbury was a fruit.

Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?

To get the ice cream for the grandma.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

When is the peanut butter due to arrive?

In a Jif.

What kind of nuts come in cans?

Creamed a-corn.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Peanut. Peanut who? Peanut butter open the door!

I will be back, I'm gonna get milk...

Me:...

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

What did the tomato say to the empty ketchup bottle? "GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.

Taking you to go grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!