I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
Why didn't the bear go to college?
Because bears don't go to college.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans? -- Juan by Juan.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
What was the last thing going through the minds of the people who jumped out of the buildings during 9/11?
Their ankles.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
Where do kittens go on a field trip?
The meowseum.
For sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheep.
