Give jokes

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Your mama so ugly that even Rick Astley had to give her up.

If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)

Little Johnny is watching his mum rubbing cold cream on her face, and he asks her, "Why are you rubbing that stuff on your face, mother?"

His mother replies, "To make myself beautiful, Johnny."

A few minutes later, she starts rubbing the cream off with a tissue. Johnny says to her, "What is the matter? Are you giving up?"

In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."

If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Suicide gives you security for the future.

Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.

Give a like if I have no friends.

What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?

The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

Why can't a Muslim woman give head to an American cop?

She doesn't eat pigs.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”