I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
your mom
My girlfriend keeps calling me a pedophile. That's a big word for a seven year old.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Stop and apply lubrication.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
