When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.
Why didn't Hitler's girlfriend like giving him a blowjob? It left a Nazi taste in her mouth...
How many genders are there?
One, women are property.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?
All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.
Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.
My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.
I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."
Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"
My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once.
We had sex afterwards even though she lost.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
My girlfriend gave me the best blowjobs, then she grew teeth.
