So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”
If depression is going to be my girlfriend. Will she leave me?
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man do I love being a sniper.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’ The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’ And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Girlfriend: am I pretty or ugly?
Boyfriend: your both!
Girlfriend: what do you mean by that?
Boyfriend: your pretty ugly!!!
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
My girlfriends last words I can’t wait to become a mom
What does the cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
My girlfriend broke up with me. She said I was a pedophile. I told her, “PEDOPHILE? Wow, that sure is a big word for an eight-year-old!”
i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard she turned Christian.
wha can you tella dog, but not your girlfriend..? come
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
I broke up with my deaf girlfriend because she never listened to me.
My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.
It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary
Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.