Girlfriend jokes

A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?

B: They're both hot?

A: They're both massive.

What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was "Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!"

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

As we speak now, someone is making arrangements for December with your girlfriend.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

When your girlfriend picks you up and decides to prank you by not wearing pants to a seafood restaurant.

Did you get seafood without me?

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."