Girlfriend Jokes

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:

Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T