Girlfriend jokes

I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Most states: "It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends." Alabama: "She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

What’s 9 inches long and makes my girlfriend scream?

One inch and put it in her. Her miscarriage.

Why do orphans make the best girlfriends?

Because they don't need permission from their parents.

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

What's the worst part of breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice until she finally gets it.

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.

She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.

Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?

A knife has a point.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.