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What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
One at the bottom that's still alive.
What's worse than that?
It's forced to eat its way out.
What's even worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? An apple gets picked.
Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?
Dad: I'll pay you 10 bucks for every day you don't tell a lie.
Next day:
Dad: Son, what's the ugliest thing you've ever seen?
Son: That ugly face of yours, go get a life, gosh, Dad, you're embarrassing.
The dad sulked for 3 whole years.
Proof that words really can hurt.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Why did the teenage girls travel in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't get even.
Yo mama so fat that State Farm tried to get on her side but couldn’t.
If you got a priest, a Rhodes scholar, and a politician in a room, what would you get?
The Royal Commission.
Alternatively, Tony Abbott.
Jack and Jill went up the hill for drunkin' wild sex.
Jack went by Jill to get a lick, and watched Jill get off on a stick.
What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”
What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”
What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”
If you mixed the Iraq wheat scandal with the basics card paying other people's dole to your wife and tumble dried it in a royal commission that made your priestly mates look bad, what would you get?
Tony Abbott's career.
10 years ago my dad went to get milk. He said when he got back, he was going to tell me a joke. That joke better be worth it!
I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest
What's the difference between Jane Doe and a field?
A field gets harvested in the fall, while Jane Doe gets plowed.
How do you get 100 babies in the back of a pick up truck? Blender.
How do you get them back out? Straw.
How do people in Alabama get circumcised? You knee your sister's jaw...
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
My wife is so fat.
She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.