What do planets like to read? Comet books!
Friend: Eric, spell mouse.
Eric: M O U S.
Friend: Yes - But what's on the end of it?
Why aren't dogs good at dancing? Cuz they have 2 left feet!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Fix the door, it's broken!
Why did the skeleton not tell jokes? It lost its funny bone. Maybe you should try putting it back.
I asked a Chinese girl her number, she said 'Sex sex sex, free sex tonight,'. I said 'Wow'. Her friend corrected her by saying 'She means : 666-3629'.
There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.
The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
jake pauls life:
I guess Grandpa took the elevator to Heaven.
He definitely didn't make it up the stairs.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Rules of dark humor.
1. Everything shall be touched.
2. If it offends someone, it shall not be touched.
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
My joke is so diam funny, or so damn funny.
Two cows were hiding.
One said: "Moooo."
The other one said: "Shut up! We're hiding!"
Why does everyone like couch jokes?
Because they are sofa-nny (so funny)!
Hey, you wanna hear something funny?
An atom makes up everything. Half of this site contains this joke. Don't trust the internet, kids.
Hahahahahahah I'm dying.
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
