It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"
I said, "No, it doesn't!"
What do you call a funny family of chairs? A sitcom!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone!
I've done a ton of work today.
A SKELE-ton of work!
Why did the carrot roll down the hill?
Because he couldn't stop his wheelchair.
Vagina jokes aren't funny.
Most of the time.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Jokes about menstruation are not funny. Period.
Woman jokes aren't funny, period.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
What do Jamaicans say when they touch a cactus?
Pokemon!
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
