Friends Jokes

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.

He can tell the future.

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.

Horrible Jokes, Part One- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.

My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.

What do you call an emo friend group?

The Suicide Squad.

Why is jelly laughing a lot?

Because his friend goes nuts!

As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.

I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Food makers are proudly presenting human flesh-made foods. Donate your useless friends and family to us because we're saving lives.

T and C apply. This is only in the best shops in your town, or down the road, or in your country. 1 like = 1 family member donated 'cause we're saving lives😎😎

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

My friend said an apple a day keeps the orphan away. I said only if you throw it hard enough.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.