Friends jokes

What did the lettuce say to the carrot?

"Lettuce be friends!"

Jonny went fishing and he didn’t know how to cast his pole, and he asked his friend Joe how to cast it. Then when he cast, he only cast 3 feet, and he never learned how to do it.

I played Rock Paper Scissors with my friend Enyaw. I cba with jokes basically me and Enyaw always scissor.

I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.

My friend Enyaw is gay, she is a cunt.

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for Christmas.

He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

When you know you have a gay friend, but you find out that they like you!

We were versing year 8 at footy, and they were mostly black, so I told my white friend to WATCH OUT!!!

I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.

Anyone wanna chat? I'm new and don't know many people.

What do guns and gum have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What does an Emo do with his friends?

Literally hanging out.

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

"I told my black friend a joke. I told him he needs to lighten up!"

Me vs. the emo kid: we go to high-five a tree. I get a high five; the emo kid is left hanging.

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.