Friends Jokes

My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh this, I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."

My friend: Ess, stop with the self-harm jokes it's not funny Me: C'mon it's not that deep

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says “Ok, now what?”

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him but and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1-Pizza cause I’m so cheesy

Friend 2-Chocolate chip cookie cause I have lots of friends

Me-donut cause I’m so empty inside

i have no friends but then i realize my true friends are anxiety and depression

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

me: have you ever went sky diving friend:No me:Well don't it sucks friend:Why me:They gave me a parachute and I lived

The other day me and my friend were at the shops buying crafts I was wearing a black top she was wearing a stripy top we were arguing abt who was more creative when she asked to prove that I am I just said "u buy ur stripes, I make mine"

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

i was in cooking class and my teacher said - does anyone know what a chopping board is similar to?

me and my friend just glanced at each other and burst out laughing.

long story short the teacher understood the joke and now we are both in daily therapy 😭💀

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

I have an EpiPen

Friend gave it to me when he was as dying

It seemed really important to him that I have it

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. And his owner beats him.

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

Teacher: Kids what are something you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friend to make me happy. Teacher: What about you Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...