Hang

no1

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street, he thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with so he called in one of the friends. The friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. the policeman called in the 2nd friend, the 2nd friend looked into the dead body’s face and said, “yep that’s definitely Joe,” but then to be absolutely sure he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants and said, "oh no wait that’s not Joe. Confused the policeman asked, “how is it that when you look into his face you’re sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you’re sure he is not?” The 1st friend said, “well you see Joe has 2 assholes.” "Are you serious? the policeman asked. “Oh yes,” he replied, “we’ve never actually seen them but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, hey there’s Joe with those 2 assholes.”

Twin Towers

Anonymous

Bro my friend told me all his humour is dead and dry and i was like just like 911 victims.

Water

Meme King

Two friends are arguing and one friend says¨Jason Warhis is not afraid of water and not ifs ands or buts about it¨ and the other friend says¨Butt He is¨.

Door

my friend told me to beat that pussy up… so why are the local animal control at my door

Stairs

why was it wong to throw my chinese friend down the stairs

Sadness

Baz

A cock really has a sad life, he’s hairs a mess his neighbors an areshole his best friend is a cunt.

Stick

I was in an argument with a “friend” at school. he said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”…

…so I threw a dictionary at him.

Bullying

Anonymous

i have a friend who dont have a dad he says: ur useless go to hell me: wait why do u want me to join ur dad

Offensive

Anonymous

When ur fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now u gotta fight the suicide squd

TV

i got my blind friend a tv… he never uses it

Cry

watersharky

Umm… I’m leaving the wepsite, This is real not fake because why would someone copy me so Gwen Addison im leaving so if theres someone of the cite that has my name thats not me. So cya and heres a song before I leave- On The Road Again- By-watersharky music productions- Well, I’m so tired of crying But I’m out on the road again I’m on the road again Well, I’m so tired of crying But I’m out on the road again I’m on the road again I ain’t got no woman Just to call my special friend You know the first time I traveled Out in the rain and snow In the rain and snow You know the first time I traveled Out in the rain and snow In the rain and snow I didn’t have no payroll Not even no place to go And my dear mother left me When I was quite young When I was quite young And my dear mother left me When I was quite young When I was quite young She said “Lord, have mercy On my wicked son.” Take a hint from me, mama Please don’t you cry no more Don’t you cry no more Take a hint from me, mama Please don’t you cry no more Don’t you cry no more 'Cause it’s soon one morning Down the road I’m going But I ain’t going down That long old lonesome road All by myself But I ain’t going down That long old lonesome road All by myself I can’t carry you, baby Gonna carry somebody else

Sister

no1

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late, his best friend asked, “Would you like to hear a joke?” “Sure” he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?’ “I don’t know.” “Because of me you’re both late for your next period.”

Party

Anonymous

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn’t the best idea

Depression

Anonymous

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them “because I’m such a noose-ance.”

Orange

thomas2012

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.” SEQ. 75 - “INTRO TO BARRY” INT. BENSON HOUSE - DAY ANGLE ON: Sneakers on the ground. Camera PANS UP to reveal BARRY BENSON’S BEDROOM ANGLE ON: Barry’s hand flipping through different sweaters in his closet. BARRY Yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black, yellow black…oohh, black and yellow… ANGLE ON: Barry wearing the sweater he picked, looking in the mirror. BARRY (CONT’D) Yeah, let’s shake it up a little. He picks the black and yellow one. He then goes to the sink, takes the top off a CONTAINER OF HONEY, and puts some honey into his hair. He squirts some in his mouth and gargles. Then he takes the lid off the bottle, and rolls some on like deodorant. CUT TO: INT. BENSON HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, yells up at Barry. JANET BENSON Barry, breakfast is ready! CUT TO: “Bee Movie” - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 1. INT. BARRY’S ROOM - CONTINUOUS BARRY Coming! SFX: Phone RINGING. Barry’s antennae vibrate as they RING like a phone. Barry’s hands are wet. He looks around for a towel. BARRY (CONT’D) Hang on a second! He wipes his hands on his sweater, and pulls his antennae down to his ear and mouth. BARRY (CONT’D) Hello? His best friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, is on the other end. ADAM Barry? BARRY Adam? ADAM Can you believe this is happening? BARRY Can’t believe it. I’ll pick you up. Barry sticks his stinger in a sharpener. SFX: BUZZING AS HIS STINGER IS SHARPENED. He tests the sharpness with his finger. SFX: Bing. BARRY (CONT’D) Looking sharp. ANGLE ON: Barry hovering down the hall, sliding down the staircase bannister. Barry’s mother, JANET BENSON, is in the kitchen. JANET BENSON Barry, why don’t you use the stairs? Your father paid good money for those. “Bee Movie” - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 2. BARRY Sorry, I’m excited. Barry’s father, MARTIN BENSON, ENTERS. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE, “Queen gives birth to thousandtuplets: Resting Comfortably.” MARTIN BENSON Here’s the graduate. We’re very proud of you, Son. And a perfect report card, all B’s. JANET BENSON (mushing Barry’s hair) Very proud. BARRY Ma! I’ve got a thing going here. Barry re-adjusts his hair, starts to leave. JANET BENSON You’ve got some lint on your fuzz. She picks it off. BARRY Ow, that’s me! MARTIN BENSON Wave to us. We’ll be in row 118,000. Barry zips off. BARRY Bye! JANET BENSON Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! CUT TO: SEQ. 750 - DRIVING TO GRADUATION EXT. BEE SUBURB - MORNING A GARAGE DOOR OPENS. Barry drives out in his CAR. “Bee Movie” - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 3. ANGLE ON: Barry’s friend, ADAM FLAYMAN, standing by the curb. He’s reading a NEWSPAPER with the HEADLINE: “Frisbee Hits Hive: Internet Down. Bee-stander: “I heard a sound, and next thing I knew…wham-o!.” Barry drives up, stops in front of Adam. Adam jumps in. BARRY Hey, Adam. ADAM Hey, Barry. (pointing at Barry’s hair) Is that fuzz gel? BARRY A little. It’s a special day. Finally graduating. ADAM I never thought I’d make it. BARRY Yeah, three days of grade school, three days of high school. ADAM Those were so awkward. BARRY Three days of college. I’m glad I took off one day in the middle and just hitchhiked around the hive. ADAM You did come back different. They drive by a bee who’s jogging. ARTIE Hi Barry! BARRY (to a bee pedestrian) Hey Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. Barry and Adam drive from the suburbs into the city. ADAM Hey, did you hear about Frankie? “Bee Movie” - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 4. BARRY Yeah. ADAM You going to his funeral? BARRY No, I’m not going to his funeral. Everybody knows you sting someone you die, you don’t waste it on a squirrel. He was such a hot head. ADAM Yeah, I guess he could’ve just gotten out of the way. The DRIVE through a loop de loop. BARRY AND ADAM Whoa…Whooo…wheee!! ADAM I love this incorporating the amusement park right into our regular day. BARRY I guess that’s why they say we don’t need vacations. CUT TO: SEQ. 95 - GRADUATION EXT. GRADUATION CEREMONY - CONTINUOUS Barry and Adam come to a stop. They exit the car, and fly over the crowd to their seats. * BARRY * (re: graduation ceremony) * Boy, quite a bit of pomp…under * the circumstances. * They land in their seats. BARRY (CONT’D) Well Adam, today we are men. “Bee Movie” - JS REVISIONS 8/13/07 5. ADAM We are. BARRY Bee-men. ADAM Amen! BARRY Hallelujah. Barry hits Adam’s forehead. Adam goes into the rapture. An announcement comes over the PA. ANNOUNCER (V.O) Students, faculty, distinguished bees…please welcome, Dean Buzzwell. ANGLE ON: DEAN BUZZWELL steps up to the podium. The podium has a sign that reads: “Welcome Graduating Class of:”, with train-station style flipping numbers after it. BUZZWELL Welcome New Hive City graduating class of… The numbers on the podium

Dark Humor

Ur mom

Friend: Slavery isnt good Other friend: Yea its terrible Me: shut up and get me a juice

Roast

Anonymous

(Me) Do u know a funny joke? Friend: Yes u.

Care

Nivedh jha

Foxy the fox the was a careless fox she didn’t care about her friend Froggy Froggy was a careful frog One day froggy dicided to teach the fox a lesson Foxy was in her bed sleeping When froggy made her room an entire mess She got up and then the mother berated her up for not cleaning her room From now she is a careful fox

Deez Nuts

lbh

my best friend got ligma (ah did he, sorry bro) LIGMA BALLS