Friend jokes

My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"

What do you call a kid named Caitlyn?

My best friend.

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.

My friend showed me his broken finger, and I said, "JESUS!" He said his name is Jake.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

Q: What did the cannibal shout when his friend fell on the floor?

A: "FIVE SECOND RULE!"

A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!

What the fuck.

Now I've seen everything.

Kenneth's hairline [is] friends with Moses.

When an emo asks you to hang out under a tree...

So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.

How emos propose: Would you please join my family tree?

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

I was doing a 10km run with my good friend Pessi. As we were setting up our smart watches, the watch voice asked us if we wanted to do a solo run or a group run.

Pessi proceeded to smash both our watches and shout, “I don’t want solo run, I want Penalty!”

Shame on you, Pessi!

When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."

Why can't an orphan be friends with Dom Toretto?

Dom doesn't have friends; he has "family."

Why do emos have friends?

So they can hang with each other.

What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

My friend, you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs.

Run, bestie, run!