My girlfriend just broke up with me because I held a door for another girl. She said I was cheating, but the girl I helped was in a wheelchair.
Friend: Hi!
Me: Who are you?
Friend: ...your friend?
Me: What are you talking about? The doctor already said I couldn’t have any.
your hair and your hairline must be best friends cause they go waaaaay back
When my bro says "YOUR MOM" when I'm talking when I'm at school, and my friend says "YOUR MOM," me punches him;-;
My friend Josh made a joke about Liam's hairline, even though his ears are so big and his face looks like a monkey... if they were white.
My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.
My friend: I want to cut myself.
Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.
But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
what do you call my friends... SHORT
My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.
So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.
Horrible Jokes, Part One- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.
My mom gave my friend a blow job for good luck on his job interview, then my mom gave my other friend a blow job for his interview, and they both got the job. Now who needs good luck? Just ask my mom. My mom is a good luck charm.
Why is jelly laughing a lot?
Because his friend goes nuts!
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
What did one depressed kid say to the other?
Hey, wanna hang together?
