Food jokes

What do you call a cut cucumber?

A guy with no legs.

They toss and turn to the sound of thunder, but I got watermelon to soothe my slumber!

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalffeinated.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do you call a sandwich 🥪 full of envy?

Peanut Butter n' Jealousy! 😂

What do you do when a Panera Bread panera breads?

Panera Bread.

A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Why was the asian late to class?

His 1 minute rice took 2 minutes to cook.

What do you say when you see a pig making bread?

He's bacon.

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

Are people from Hamburg called Hamburgers?

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?

Because she loves raisin kids.

Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.

What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?

They don’t cook because they love eating out.