Food jokes

I thought fruit tasted good. I guess I was wrong.

My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

What do you call a two-legged cow? Lean beef.

What do you call a plate that lies? Dish-onest!

NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

'Cause it's a place to eat.

What’s the difference between candy and an orphan?

Candy is something everybody wants.

Did you hear the pickle joke?

It's actually a really big dill.

I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.

Wife: "You don't even have friends!"

Yo mama's so poor, the ducks throw bread at her.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me...

Devil: Hey angel.

Angel: Hi devil, why are you nice?

Devil: What do angels add to their food to make it a little more spicy?

Angel: What?

Devil: Angelpinos!

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Why can't you eat cereal?

Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!

I remember the time that Gordon Ramsay did an African food episode... it was a short episode. Too bad he couldn’t find any.

I had a joke about pizza, it's just too cheesy.

Hahaha. These eggs surely crack me up!

Jokes are like food, not everyone has it.

What's the best part of being an orphan?

All the chips and candy bars are family sized.

How did the chicken 🐔 feel after escaping the fry cook?

Clucky!

The chicken is actually a fruit because it is grown on a pole-tree.