Food jokes
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.
I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...
If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.
I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.
If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.
I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.
If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.
I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.
My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.
I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.
I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.
I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.
I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.
I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.
My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.
Help me...
Why didn't Stephen Hawking ever eat chicken wings? Because he didn't exist.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought Pillsbury was a fruit.
What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
Depends.
What's long and hard and has c*m in the middle? Cucumber. What were you thinking?
A kid asks for an ice cream. The man says, "Any sauce?" and the kid says, "Na, I got ketchup at home."
Why does Jesus hate Skittles?
Because they fall through his hands.
Why was the cheese always so confident? Because it had such a "gouda" self-image.
"Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it is too cheesy."
"YOU MORON ITS *TOO* not TO, IM GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE AND RIP OUT YOUR PROSTATE"
One day it was me and my sister in the house. My sister said to me, "Let's order food." I said, "We have no money." My sister said, "It's cool; we're just going to order egg rolls from the Chinese store. I know the delivery boy, and he won't charge us." I said, "Cool."
The delivery boy came with the egg rolls. I took some and ate mine in my room. I went back in the kitchen. I see my sister giving the delivery boy a blow job. I ask, "What are you doing?" My sister replied back to me, "You had your egg rolls; let me enjoy mine." Then the delivery boy said, "Don't no charge."
Eggs
You crack me up!
What is a fish's favorite fruit/vegetable?
An avacodo.
Hello, This is Jimmy from Jimmy's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic! Your next loss is our next sauce! How many pizzas do you need?
What flavor do you buy an orphan?
Self raising.
There was a dude. He had a mondo dong.
His wife was like, "Yo, where are your balls?"
The dude says he left them in the fridge. His wife replies, "I knew those meatballs tasted weird!"
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni and got plane. (Yes, it's "plain," shut.)
Why did the baker give the shopper a butt? Because she asked for a butt!
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.