Food jokes

Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.

What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?

They don’t cook because they love eating out.

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?

Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.

What's worse than eating 5 raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?

Realizing you only put in 4.

What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!

How did Jesus like his chicken?

Crucifried.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

- I think you're EGGcellent.

+ Wow... You really CRACK ME UP with that joke. I think you're a EGGxtraordinary comedian.

- Really? Are you done yet?.

+ Are you kidding? I have a DOZEN of them.

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both put their meat in 10 year old buns.

What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

Why is flour retarded?

Because it's in-bread.

Why can't Chinese play baseball?

Because they eat the bats.

What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

In heaven, the Englishman is responsible for jokes, the Italian man for food, and the German man for law and order. In hell, the Englishman is responsible for food, the Italian man for law and order, and the German man for jokes.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

I don't put ketchup and mustard on my hotdog, I relish it.

What's a homeless person's favorite cookie?

Pooreos.