Food jokes

There was a race between Lettuce, a faucet, and Ketchup. The lettuce was a-head, the faucet was still running, and the ketchup was trying to ketchup.

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if you're fat.

Why is flour retarded?

Because it's in-bread.

Why can't a blind person eat fish?

They can't see food.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.

What is the definition of African-American Vienna sausages?

cocks of African-American men

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumeference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. The first cannibal says, "You start at the bottom, I start at the top," so they both chow down.

About half an hour later, the second cannibal says, "I'm having a ball!" Then the first cannibal says, "Then you're eating too fast!"

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Wanna hear a joke about corn?

Never mind, it's too corny.

What do you call a digital hamburger? Processed meat.

Why do orphans use water for cereal? Cause their dad never came back with the milk.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.