Food Jokes

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”

What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Coca-Cola!

What do you call a pool full of retards?

Vegetable soup.

Bitch wanna make me a sandwich?

Paki curry is shit.

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

What did the toaster say to the toast?

"I want you inside me."

J0K35 (me): So I heard China recently released a snack.

Guy: Oh, what is it?

J0K35: They call it the Asian Raisin.

Guy: Isn't that what RiceGum was when he released Frick da police?

What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can't tuna fish.

What did the cow say to the cheese? I am your father.

What do you call a cow that's laying down? Ground Beef.

What do you call a vegan cow?

A vegan cow. :/

OR

A regular cow. 🐄🙌

Once I heard a joke about chocolate. It wasn't that funny, so I just Snickered.

Yo mama is so stupid, she thinks Bear Grylls is a restaurant.

Tumblr people: "There are an infinite amount of genders."

The cannibal kid: "Bitch, please. There's just one gender: Food."

What did the cat say to the jar of cookies?

"Ground beef!"

I had a dream about being forced to eat a huge marshmallow.

I woke up and my pillow was gone.

What do women and moldy bread have in common?

A yeast infection.

What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?

She died the next weekend.

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.