Food jokes

A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

"Here's the beef of the week!"

What do you get when you eat a hamburger?

Mustard gas.

What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.

The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."

Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?

There was nothing left but de-brie.

Why did the cheese fail the test? It couldn't make the grade, curd.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?

Domi-don't-knows...

Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there.

One day my dog died because we couldn't find him. Then we got a cat on the same day. Then my cat went missing, and when I was crying, we heard our Asian neighbor was having a party. Then we went over and I saw my dog and cat on the grill, and they ate them in front of me, saying "yum yum doggy in my tummy and cat in my tummy as well."

What did the Indian say to the fat man?

"Curry up!"

A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.

The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.

A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.

He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”

The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Lean beef.

Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?

A: On The Border.

What do you call a cow grazing a field with 50% grass and 50% weed?

High steaks gambling.

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cuCUMber.