What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What does a cannibal call a wheelchair user? -- Meals on wheels.
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Yo mama is so fat, her blood type is Nutella.
Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is mayonnaise.
Yo mama stops at the PokeStop... to buy a Big Mac.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
What do you call someone with Down Syndrome who smokes weed?
A baked potato.
Why is flour retarded?
Because it's in-bread.
