Food jokes
Why doesn't my egg want to crack?
Because I hate my egg-sistence.
Why's it called a Caesar Salad?
'Cause Caesar ruled the romaines.
A dog talks to another dog and says,
"Wow, you're a hot dog!"
What do you call fake noodles?
Impasta!
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."
Walnut says, "I look like a brain."
Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."
Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"
I nutted on the wall, call that a walnut.
Hey, watch me eat this African sandwich.
*Takes huge bite of air.*
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheeseburgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through.
So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress, I guess! :D
I'll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you're now worthless to me!
I'll pat-your-breasts, pat-your-breasts, cos I'm a baker's man, and you bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I'll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", and then put you in the oven for the bitch and me!
I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."
Teacher: Kids, what does a chicken give you?
Students: Eggs.
Teacher: Very good. Now, what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon.
Teacher: Excellent. Now, what does the fat cow give you?
Kids: Homework.
Why did the vegetable go to jail?
He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
What's the same thing between milk and a kid with cancer?
They both have an expiry date.
I had to give up my vegetarian diet.
Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
What do you call a lazy piece of meat?
A meatloaf.
What do you call an iPhone put into a smoothie maker?--An Apple smoothie.