Finance jokes

If an orphan wins the lottery, what do they have to use all of it on?

Years of child support!

Yo mama's so poor that she only watches Frozen to hear Elsa sing "Let It Go."

What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?

Getting the water bill.

A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”

I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.

Why do elephants never get rich?

Because they work for peanuts!

Mom: Hey hun, need some money for lunch at school?

Son: No, I got 1k already.

Mom: Wait, what, how?

Son: Mom's wallet is magic.

That is a "Penny-Farthing" bicycle. Dimes if you feed it beans.

Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.

You are so poor, when I pass you, you ask for spare change, and I was poor, too.

The orphan wanted to call home sick, but there was no one.

The orphan went to school to have food, but there was no money in his account.

Are you free tomorrow?

No, I’m expensive, sorry. 💵💸

Hairline got repossessed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

Daddy, good morning, please, I want too, but Davido's second-hand towel is 2.5 million.

What's the difference between a government and a pawn shop?

They lower you.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

For every dollar a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents.

That’s unfair! Now the man only has 30 cents!