Father's jokes
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
We say “Father, I have sinned,” because it would be weird if we said, “Daddy, I have sinned,” right?
“Forgive me, Daddy, for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father,” not the “Our Daddy.”
Boy goes to Confession.
Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"
Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."
Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"
Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"
-not my joke
My father always used to say:
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
Until the accident.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
My father was a great pilot. He died on 9/11.
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."
What do Orphans say on Father's Day?
Well, not "Happy Father's Day."
I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.
The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”
Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.
He was fired from his job.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
A man's daughter comes home from school and asks her dad if she can borrow the car.
The father replies, "No, it's too late at night."
The daughter says, "C'mon, Dad. I'll do anything."
The dad says, "OK, suck my dick."
The daughter says, "No, that's disgusting."
The dad says, "You want the car. You said you'll do anything."
The daughter agrees. Just as she is about to put her father's dick into her mouth, she stops and says, "Eww, Dad, your dick smells like shit."
The dad replies, "Yeah, well, your brother borrowed the car about an hour ago."
The twin towers are like your father, they're both gone and will never come back.
You call your dad the sun because he is 90 million miles away.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school?
Father-in-law.
How are you and an orphan similar?
Both of your fathers are invisible.
Why do orphans only have 362 days in a year?
Because they don't have Mothers', Fathers', and Family Day!
Why do orphans go to church?
Because they can call someone "father."
Wanna know something the orphan could never do?
Wish anyone a happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.