Family jokes

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can actually call home.

I just had the worst gig of my life! I told yo mama jokes at the orphanage.

Why did the orphan misbehave in school?

Because the principal couldn't call their parents.

Why is an orphan bad at hide-and-seek?

Because nobody will actually look for them.

What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

How do blind kids get punished?

By moving the furniture around the house.

Why didn't the orphans stay at the park for days? Because they had no one to pick them up.

What's an orphan's best friend? A boomerang because it's the only thing that ever came back.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

Why can't orphans play baseball? They can't run home.

Why can't an orphan build a website? Because it won't have a homepage.

Your mama so fat she’s on both sides of the family.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

I told some orphan that you can see your family, but I meant Spider-Man: Homecoming...