Family jokes

My mom calls me.

Me: WHAT MOM?

No answer.

Me: WHAT?

What’s a orphan's fav movie?

Spider-Man: Homecoming.

Your hairline goes further back than your mum's divorce.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

The orphan wanted to go on a field trip, but he needed his parent's signature.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

Why are orphans so naughty at school? It's not like the teacher is gonna call their parents.

What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can actually call home.

Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"