Family jokes

Yo mama is so ugly she's really the reason phone screens cracked!

Your mama is so fat, you can't tell if she's pregnant or not.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

My mom said you failed school. I said, "Don't be surprised, I'm a retard, Mom."

Why do orphans eat their cereal dry? Their dad hasn’t come back with the milk.

You know what you could use? An orphan as a punching bag.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

"and i oop"

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

Me: I’m gonna smite the life out of you!!!

Orphan: What! No! Please no!

Me: What you gonna do? Run home and tell your parents? Wait, I forgot, you don’t have a home or parents!!!!

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

What's the difference between a Thanksgiving turkey and my kid?

I only stuff the turkey.

Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."

Your mom sings "It's the Final Countdown" while pooping.

Billy got a bike and a soccer ball for his birthday from his uncle, but he was very upset. Why? Because he has no legs.

Why was Timmy so sad? Because his dad stapled a frog to his forehead.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Two gay lovers find out they are brothers.