Family jokes

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.

My brother told me he wanted to find a golden apple tree in real life. I told him it was a fruitless mission.

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

Kid: Knock, knock.

Orphan: Who’s there?

Kid: Not your parents.

Why do orphans go to church so they can call someone "father?"

What is the difference between an Apple and an orphan?

The apples get picked.

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?

They’re just two weeks to quit.

What are the similarities of an orphan and a water fountain?

They both sprout water.

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

Me explaining my child: when your mom is sitting on a table during her period, it's called the periodic table.

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

Why do orphans always ask Alexa to order milk?

Because their dad never brought it home.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo?

They both can’t be found.

"Never going to give you up." That's not what the orphan's parents said.

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.