Family jokes
What’s a orphan's fav movie?
Spider-Man: Homecoming.
Your hairline goes further back than your mum's divorce.
I asked a kid why he was so blue.
Didn't realize his parents were choking him out.
Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?
He could never get a home run.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they can't call anyone their dad.
What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?
E.T. can actually call home.
Bastards can never pray, because they don't have a Holy Father.
I saw a little kid crying today. I asked where his parents were, and he started to cry more. I left the orphanage to get some milk after that.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One gets picked.
Why do orphans sleep in a double bed?
Because their parents aren't!
So I got my brother a jumping castle for his birthday. That bitch cried in his wheelchair.
The difference between an apple and an orphan is that the apple gets picked.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?
I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.
What happens to an orphan that gets on house arrest?
They get set free.
What do you and orphans have in common?
Nobody loves you.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap till their parents come home.
Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.