Family jokes

What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?

cancer.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? Because they don’t get homesick.

My sister is so short she can't walk.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

Why do orphans not buy a keyboard? Because they can’t use the home button.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang, because it always comes back.

I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.

I have trash so I throw it at my sister and say that she is a trash can.

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Bowling is like child support: it involves balls.

What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?

One you can unscrew.

Why was the orphan so successful?

When they told him go big or go home, he only had one option.

I'm making a website for orphans. [I] won't add the home page.

What film do orphans hate?

"Instant Family."