Family jokes

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

What do you call a parent that is pregnant?

Buy one, get one free.

Yo mama is so fat your dad could never get away.

What’s the difference between Kendrick Lamar and an orphan?

He has family ties.

My mom and dad: KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS TO EAT! Me: What's for dinner? Mom and Dad: Food.

The next day KIDS COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR FOOD! My brother and sister: What's for dinner? Me: Food ;-;

Me after I watch a brother and sister do it: "Me, sister, let's do it";-;

My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.

Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.

She lets him play anyway and I don't.

When I see the little brother in a video get everything, I try it and get grounded ;-;

You learn from mistakes!

That's why you're an only child!

A brother and sister were hanging out, and the brother was sad, so the sister asked why. The brother replies with, "I think I need to break up with you!"

Why can orphans travel around so much?

A. They never get homesick.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Queen Elizabeth came back before your dad did.

I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.

Why was the orphan stupid?

Because his parents couldn't guide him.

What type of flower does an orphan use?

Self-raising flour.

Why is it okay to bully an orphan?

It’s not like they could tell their parents.

Me: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi.

Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!

Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they can’t find home.

Why do orphans go to church?

It's the only place where they can call someone "father."