Family jokes

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

Why does your grandma like gardening so much?

Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.

Why can't orphans have cookies?

They are home made.

What’s faster than a black guy with the TV?

His little brother with the console.

What song do supportive parents of a closeted child love?

“The Son Will Come Out Tomorrow.”

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they can’t get a home run.

My doctor asked my brother if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

He replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it!"

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?

"Will there be seconds?"

Why can’t orphans have phones?

Because it has a home button!

Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?

Her sister is a real Dess-ember!

Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

Your mom is so stupid that she thought LGBTQ was a sandwich.

Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?

Teacher: What?

Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.

Teacher: Why water?

Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

Why can’t orphans pick up their phone after school?

Because they need their parents to go pick it up.

When I say, "Daddy," my stepbrother raises his head.

Why can't an orphan play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

Why did the orphan go to church?

So that they had someone to call father.

Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-